“Tsundere”

I punched a bathroom stall wall

After you played dumb about our whatever-it’s-called

I kissed your knuckles after you couldn’t get any closer

I’m an M&M

You say

Hard, mean even

Externally

But internally,

For you,

Alone and curled around your thigh

My gooey gentleness

Comes out

I can’t help but melt,

With you all to myself

Your hands in my hair,

Your laughter rumbling beneath me,

Basking blissfully in the TV light

I guess I’m jealous,

I say once in a text

I don’t know if I should be

I can’t be

There’s no romance between you and me

There’s only suppose to be

Friendship

But can we even still call it that?

I don’t think friends kiss this much

See, I can’t help but punch bathroom stall walls

At the thought of your mouth

On her, much more practiced mouth

I can’t help going off

At even the thought of her getting you off

You’re not mine,

I know this so well it hurts

But know that my outbursts

My anger

My violence

My harsh words at night

The tears in my eyes

The lump in my throat

The clumsy syllables,

Committing suicide off the cliff of my tongue

Come from the same place in me

As my gentleness,

As my soft voice,

As my fingers tracing you in the dark,

As my gooey, sticky, mess of a heart

You take up so much space inside of me

I don’t think you understand how easily it would be

For me to just fade into my adoration

And I don’t what this means

But it scares me

And I’m very sorry, really

Because I know my feelings aren’t excuses

For my sudden bursts of anger,

For my cold, senseless accusations,

I guess I just don’t know a better way to keep myself together

I guess I’m hurting because I know I can’t hold you forever

Let me apologize in advance, if I ever fall madly in love with you

Now that is something that truly terrifies me

Now that is the science behind me screaming at you

Madly

Madly, indeed